The kitsch omnipresence. The sarcastic voiceover. Dancers from Latvia, all indecently-attired. But enough of my life; tomorrow evening it’s the Eurovision Song Contest, that epoch of songcraft and continental fraternity. For the uninitiated – that is Bob from Dusty Creek, Idaho who stumbled here by mistake – imagine a massively scaled-up version of a religious cult’s talent show, in which people who can’t sing perform songs of exclusive interest to the very camp and the very German… only, when it comes to handing out the prizes, votes are assigned not on the strength of song or performance, but via a complex algorithm centred upon national prejudice and skimpiness of outfit. In short: it’s very of the weird.
Unfortunately I’ll be otherwise engaged during the contest (it’s the same every year). For just as Greece and Cyprus will eternally gift each other douze points, so I have brickwork that requires repointing. An expensive smack habit to maintain. A compulsion to hang around town, gyrating like an amateur in a knee-length fluorescent skirt, all hopeful that some tousle-haired young chap will approach and whip off said garment to reveal (get this): a shorter skirt underneath. Oh, what stylish japes I’ll be having.
So I’ll miss the UK not winning again (we start far too many wars to garner the popular vote from Sofia or Bratislava anyway). Indeed, I fear the only way we’ll attain bragging rights would be to enter “Here Is My Song For Europe” by Denim.
Lawrence Hayward (or ‘Lawrence from Felt’ as he’s still universally known) formed Denim having grown weary of crafting wonderful, twee recordings under the Felt moniker in the 1980’s. Denim were a complete volte-face; deliciously catchy glam-rock loaded with caustic undertones. “I’m back… I’m back in Denim”, begins the opening track on 1992’s Back in Denim; “I’m against the ’80’s” sings Lawrence on the closing track – leaving us in no doubt as to Felt’s consignment to history.
So, when Eurovision sweeps upon us – me grouting bathroom tiles or acting the dolly bird, you stuck in front of the TV because you’ve nothing else to do – turn the volume down during the UK’s entry, and play the below track VERY LOUDLY indeed. The people of Europe will thank you for it.
Demin / Here Is My Song For Europe
EDIT: I’ve a guest post up at The Vinyl Villain – a far superior blog to this heap of rambling ergh – please visit