Now that we’ve defeated Covid-19 by – *checks notes* – pretending that we’ve defeated Covid19, we’re off to our next existential crisis, in which we mobilise platoons of Billy Brownshirts to protect our statues from rampaging hordes of imaginary Antifas armed with grappling hooks and bits of string. And don’t worry too much if … Continue reading Gladrags and Body Bags. Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The ‘Rona.
So; how we all doing? Teaching yourself to play the clavichord in all that unforeseen free time we have? Cowering in a cupboard at the prospect of visiting the supermarket? Preparing for another game of Russian roulette in the care home you work in? Or maybe you’re lying in a mass grave on Hackney Marshes, … Continue reading Postcard from a Pandemic
2019. It’s been a hoot. Or if not that – for hoots suggest fun, and/or owls – then at least fascinating to rubberneck, the political story arc driving itself off its hubris cliff in an idiot carriage fashioned from Battenburg cake and duck vomit, time after time after time. Curled up on the sofa with … Continue reading Dos Dedos Mis Amigos: Autopsy of an Election
Last weekend I watched as some local Dickensian urchins senselessly vandalised the front garden of a harmless, little old man. They were stomping on pot plants, urinating in the ornamental pond, ripping up the herbaceous border, and I chased them away but only with the implicit threat of a minority Labour administration propped up by … Continue reading Written in the Prophecies. Or on Scratchcards: Thoughts on an Election #6
How many children does the prime minister have? No-one seems to know. Not even the prime minister. All the womens, they want a go on BoJo’s upstanding member. Little Lord FauntleFuck, his tickle stick primed and ready. Does he tour the country in a Luton van, a stained mattress in the back? He pulls to … Continue reading Boris Johnson’s Offspring Numberwang: Thoughts on an Election #5
Midway through pretty much every election campaign, once the ratings have slumped and the writing team responsible for the whole sorry mess start to struggle under the weight of all those narcotics they’ve ingested, there’s usually a point where a special guest star is introduced, forcing the story in a new and kinky direction. The … Continue reading Spirit, Can You Hear Us? Thoughts on an Election #4
This is the third week that I’ve been writing about Brexit, and the election we have to have because we can’t have Brexit, and the gaping void at the heart of everything but especially the election, and Brexit, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, ‘Come … Continue reading Calling All Exorcists: Thoughts on an Election #3
On election day in 2010, Nigel Farage had his plane crash. It was funny and also rubbish – two things that a plane crash shouldn’t be. In the February of 2019, Ross Thompson, the former Conservative member for Aberdeen South, got drunk in a House of Commons bar and started grabbing men’s genitals. Which ran … Continue reading Nothing Can Divide Us (apart from the Heptagonal Shrapnel in our Bloody Foreheads): Thoughts on an Election #2
The other day, on the pedestrianised bit of the High Street, an elderly, constipated gentleman whom I did not know dropped his trousers, and there, amidst the shoppers and the vape stores and the hordes of canvassing Evangelical Christians, he began to squat. With a grimace on his face and perspiration on his brow the … Continue reading All the Pretty Things are Going to Hell: Thoughts on Brexit, and the Election.
It’s all to do with allegory. Ghost stories aren’t about the ghost. Rather, they serve as mirrors, reflecting and refracting who we are and what we are, where we’ve been, where we’re headed. Low have always been a band for late autumn or winter – which is when ghost stories work best. Something to do … Continue reading LGM’s Album of the Year: Double Negative by Low
It’s Sunday evening. You’ve got work in the morning, and therefore you have the fear. A giant, all-encompassing fear. The FEAR. Here it comes. AARRGGHH. “Hello, Sailor,” it purrs. Right before it drops its trousers… Yup; you need something comforting. A sedative. Something to cloak the fact that you have but a short time on … Continue reading I got bored, so reviewed every episode of Countryfile
It was always going to be a grim election campaign; that it became one punctuated by nauseating outbreaks of death-cult terrorism only added to the sense of freefall. Rolling news: eyewitness testimony and blue flashing lights, then it’s irony-addled oldies, bemoaning food bank existence and cuts in public services whilst proudly declaring an intention to … Continue reading First, We Vote. Then We Get Drunk Until November – Notes on the General Election
From time-to-time I reluctantly emerge from my alcoholic stupor to pen ill-conceived diatribes for whatever remains of the music press. Sometimes they even give me cold, hard cash for the privilege – the suckers. This year, I wrote a long op-ed piece about Varmints by Anna Meredith. Followed by a live review, a lengthy interview … Continue reading LGM’s Favourite Albums of 2016, #1 – ‘Varmints’ by Anna Meredith
2016. Not so much a year as a treatise on attrition. Bowie. Brexit. Prince. Trump. And that’s just a taster (I may have had a little cry when Jo Cox was murdered in the street by a neo-Nazi. And a bigger one when a national newspaper insinuated that it was kind of her own fault). … Continue reading LGM’s Favourite Albums of 2016, #10 – #2
Welcome to the annual run-down of the years’ favourite albums, as voted for by readers of Lazer Guided Melody, the popkids of Twitter (both discerning and drunk), and that guy who lives in the park and swears at ducks. “You fucking stupid mallards,” he barks. “Your cunting feathers look like they were glued on by … Continue reading Your Favourite Albums of 2016 – The Results